The TOP 10 Legal Things You Can Do That Should Be Crimes

For some reason, it’s completely LEGAL in this country to leave an empty pizza box sitting out in an office kitchen or on a living room coffee table, cruelly forcing every unsuspecting human who walks by to curiously open the box expecting an extra slice (a hard-wired human evolutionary impulse) only to see grease-stained cardboard, a little plastic table, and a faded memory of a cheese that once was, followed closely by the even more natural human impulse to then say “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE THE BOX OUT IF IT’S EMPTY? THROW IT AWAY OR LEAVE IT OPEN AND DON’T TORTURE ME WITH RAISED HOPES OF SECRET SURPRISE PIZZA!”

Did you know that getting onto a packed elevator on the 3rd floor, pressing the button for “4,” and getting off on the fourth floor is actually completely legal to do? That’s right. And if the people in the elevator then murder that person, THEY end up going to jail? Talk about a wacky law!! There’s actually been a law floating around the floor of congress that would force elevator-riders to either take the stairs one floor during crowded times or ride the elevator to a higher floor and apply for a job up there and begin working there, but it’s gained little traction.

Instead of emailing a link to someone so they can watch a video later at their leisure (when they can also, y’know, hear it and see what’s happening and stuff) you are within your legal rights to begin force-showing someone a video at a party or in the middle of a loud bar, and expect them to maintain their attention for 5 minutes (this thing goes on for FIVE minutes? Oh lord…) while gauging their facial expression the entire time to make sure they’re smiling and laughing at the right parts, even though all they can hear is some jarring blown-out noises from your phone speaker. Also, forcing someone to waste their leisure time watching a video that they could be watching during work or school or on the toilet is, in itself, shockingly legal.

Ahhh the Ol’ Fairbanks Foodlemedoo*, classic restaurant grift. Just ask someone what they’re ordering, then say “hmm, that does sound good,” then when the waitress comes by, order it yourself right before them and they’ll have to nervously courtesy-laugh when ordering the same thing. Then the waitress will think they’re an uncreative asshole, and probably say that out loud to them, and you get to laugh. And they can’t go crying to Johnny Law. Meaning cops, or any non-cops named that. *Not a thing anyone has ever said

Oooh, a Facebook post at 9:52 pm that says “OMG TYWIN #GOT” No one will ever figure out what that means, or be constantly wondering if something happens to that character 52 minutes into that week’s episode, so it’s not TECHNICALLY a spoiler by official Federal Spoiler Law (an offshoot of maritime law). Plus it’s a very important thing that you definitely couldn’t just NOT post, even though you had to remove all the details before posting it because you kinda knew it was a spoiler then posted it anyway. The point is, it’s legal to do this. I’m not saying this is the MOST pressing issue in our country we need to fix, just saying it’s in the, like, Top 2.

Yup, no law against whipping out your choice of smelly-ass food in the middle of 150 weary strangers in a plastic tube. Sorry, literally everyone on the plane, including the pilots behind that sealed door that can withstand rocket launcher blasts! At least I think there’s no law against this. I dunno. Never read the whole Law. That shit’s long as hell.

If you decide to loudly mow your lawn at 8 am on a Saturday morning, NO ONE can yell at you, even if you’re waking up every neighbor who isn’t on some weird bizarro farmer / teacher / your 58-year-old-parents weekend sleep schedule. But if you play music too loudly at, like, 10 pm, when EVERYONE is still awake, you can get a noise complaint. Why?? The noise of the yardwork counts the same! Just because a yard is being improved in one of these scenarios doesn’t negate the decibels of the sound. Land of the Free INDEED. Actually, wait, the problem here is the freedom. Land of the Some Stupid Freedoms But Other Like Not Freedoms INDEED. Yeah man. Slappin’ that on a bumper sticker ASAP.

Nice work! Now you’ve ruined two drinks. Or forced someone else to make a “just pick a wire and cut it” random decision and hope to themselves that they’re not drinking someone else’s bodily fluids. And hey, while you’re on a roll, why not just ditch both drinks and grab some other stanger’s beer out of the fridge and drink that? Hell yeah! Excellent and legal.

Did you know that if you don’t feel like texting someone or emailing them, you’re allowed to call them on your phone, and if they don’t pick up, you can leave a “voice mail,” which is a recording of you saying something that they have to hold up to their ear and listen to?? Even if it takes them, like, ten seconds? That’s right, people, the future is now. And it is inconvenient and bewildering when someone who isn’t your parent does it, but it is, technically, still legal.

How are you not in jail? Someone please frame this person for a real crime ASAP.