The 16 Most American Shirts That Ever America’d

We are Kristin and Leo and sometimes we like to talk about fashion. Today, in honor of our country’s birthday, we explored the world of truly patriotic American flag shirts.

Leo: Wait, so how old is America now?
Kristin: Old enough to drink.
Leo: But probably still appreciates getting carded.

1. Patriotic Kitten T-Shirt, $29.96

Leo: In an ideal world, if you looked up the definition of “freedom,” it’d just be a picture of this. Purrfection.
Kristin:? OH MEW-TIFUL FOR SPACIOUS SKIES?

2. Eagle Combat Stryker T-Shirt, $17.00 – $25.95

Kristin: Wait… why does he need to fly a plane? HE’S ALREADY A BIRD. HE COMES WITH A BUILT-IN PLANE!
Leo: That’s because this shirt is from the future, where birds have evolved to equal or greater human intelligence and they now fight the wars for us. CAW!
Kristin: This looks like a poster Sam Eagle would have up in his bedroom.

3. Lincoln The Emancipator T-Shirt, $17.00

Leo: Crazy-accurate.
Kristin: Totally inaccurate. The bear is also supposed to be wearing a stove pipe hat.

4. Patriotic Beach Cat T-Shirt, $24.00

Leo: OK, this cat is really smart, because not only is she perfectly accessorized, but she also managed to build a sand castle! She doesn’t even have hands!
Kristin: This cat really represents totheentrepreneurial spirit of America. All he or she needs now is a killer app idea and some VC funding.
Leo: And where did she manage to buy that teeny little flag? This feline has all her shit figured out.

5. American Pride USA Flag and White Tiger Power Tank Top, $9.99

Leo: It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our tank tops.
Kristin: This is a great and very patriotic representation of an animal that’s not actually indigenous to America.

6. American Pug Bandanna V-Neck, $19.95 – $26.95

Leo: Oh say can you see by the dog’s early light?
Kristin: Pugs are our greatest natural resource, right up there with our children.

7. Patriotic Eagle and Flag Knit Shirt, $52-$54

Leo: If I were going to an Independence Day celebration at the Bush estate in Kennebunkport, this is what I’d wear. I’d be the most popular person at the party.
Kristin: This polo is truly majestic. It’s like a vision board for basically every white guy over the age of 55.

8. American Flag Feline Tee, $12.99

Kristin: THESE COLORS DON’T RUN… unless that cat sees a laser pointer or a nice patch of sunlight and then all bets are off.
Leo: IT’S A CAT-RONAUT. IT’S FUZZ ALDRIN.
Kristin: Did we send this cat into space so it could irritate all the Russian space dogs? That is so like us.

9. Ripped Muscles American Flag T-Shirt, $26.95

Kirstin: “Hello, I am RSVPing for the freedom party and my plus one will be my muscles.”
Leo: There is nothing more American than a man who is still using his Bowflex from 1999.

10. Faux Bikini T-Shirt, $20.07

Leo: How better to celebrate unrealistic body standards than with the birth of our nation!
Kristin: Let’s hear it for the red, white, and boobs!

11. Bulldog Biker Shirt, $19.99

Leo: It’s been a ruff road to freedom but we’ve finally made it. And now we have this shirt. So.
Kristin: He’s a ruff rider!
Leo: Is he dog? Or is he man????

12. American Baseball and USA Pie Shirt, $17.95 – $26.95

Kristin: FREEDOM A LA MODE.
Leo: Look at how the plate is coming off of the shirt! Because in America you can do whatever the fuck you want!

13. Marijuana Freedom T-Shirt, $6.99

Kristin: How do you spell “freedom”? P-O-T.
Leo: Unless you get caught with it in a state where it’s not legalized.

14. American Flag Teeth Pattern Top, $10.60

Kristin: OK, I know that those things at the top are supposed to be fangs, but this honestly just looks like the most American suit and tie combo that I have ever seen.
Leo: ::quietly whispers “vampire” to herself for five minutes::