The 14 Worst Things That Will Happen To You On The Train
Trains are usually my favourite way to get around town, unless you catch me on a day when I hate trains. These days are pretty frequent, because lets face it – trains can be a motherflipping nightmare.
Crowded, hot, sweaty tin cans full of grumpy tired people, trains are a breeding ground for everything awful about humanity. Selfishness, aggression, sloth – you’ll see it all on a train, whether you want to or not. On a good day, the train can be a relaxing environment in which to read a book on your way to work. But on a bad day it looks like a scene from Apocalypse Now. Next level Vietnam jungle warfare.
Here are 14 of the worst things that are bound to happen to you if you get the train regularly… or sometimes… or once a year.
1. You will watch another human eat their dinner less than a metre from your face
Sadly some people do not have the same manners as the rest of the world. With this in mind, you’ll be on a train home from work, when someone unpacks their often pungent and frankly unappetising dinner and proceeds to eat it in cramped conditions. I don’t understand it, I’m not happy about it, it’s not cool, please stop.
2. You will smell the inner workings of a tall man’s armpit
Being a short person myself, I’ve spent hours wedged in close to people taller than me. While the vast majority of the train-using public are clean and fresh, some of them are not. One day, probably a hot day, you’ll have the pleasure of smelling a sweaty commuters armpit. The worst thing? You’ll just have to grin and bear it.
3. You will fall over or trip in front of a lot of people
It’s busy, there is no space, you’re hot and uncomfortable, it’s probably the worst time to trip or fall over right? So of course you will. You might get your foot caught in the bag-loop of a fellow commuter, or you may just lose your footing as you try to weave you way off the train. Either way, you will fall, it will hurt, and it will be deathly silent. Awkward.
4. You will lose your ticket
The thing you need most on any train, the thing you definitely can’t afford to lose, the thing that cost you a huge amount of money – your ticket. You’re not a proper train user until you’ve got up and rummaged through your pockets, only to realise that you and your ticket have parted ways. No amount of cursing or venting will get it back, you just need to find your nearest ticket machine and spend even more money you don’t have.
5. You will lose your phone/bag/keys/life
If it’s not your ticket you’re losing, then it’s everything else that you hold dear. That swanky iPhone you just bought, your nice gym bag, your house keys – it is all liable to be left stranded on the train while you wonder how you could have made such a fatal error. Of course once isn’t enough to learn this lesson, and repeat offenders are common.
6. You will find out why a random woman you don’t know doesn’t like another random woman you don’t know
If you’re anything like me, you’ll love a little bit of harmless people watching. Nothing wrong with that at all. What I object to however, is being forced to listen to two people I don’t know loudly discussing a third person I don’t know. Trains tend to be fairly quiet, so these loud obnoxious individuals are totally unwanted. Can’t you see I’m trying to read my book here?
7. You will witness a domestic dispute
What’s more awkward than a couple fighting in public? Nothing. Literally nothing. The argument may have started at home, but by the time warring couples get to the train station, shit is getting heated. You’d think that people would control themselves on a packed train, but no. Just cringe up and wait for the storm to blow itself out.
8. You will fall asleep on someone’s shoulder… and maybe dribble on it too
If you’ve worked late at the office and have burnt the midnight oil a little bit, then late trains home are a prime spot for a bit of public sleeping. The problem is, the only pillow you have is the shoulder of the person sitting next to you. What can make this situation worse? I’m a dribbler in my sleep…
9. You will miss your stop for no reason
Some days you’re just not with it. Tired, preoccupied, daydreaming – some days you will just miss your stop. There is no real explanation, it just means that you’ve got to get off, change, and head back the way you came. It sounds ridiculous, but it WILL happen to you.
10. You will not see a pregnant woman standing up until it’s too late and you look like a dick
In the street pregnant women stick out like a sore thumb. On the train however, it’s a different ball game. Everyone has a little look round every once in a while, to make sure nobody needs their seat. Sadly for you, you won’t spot the pregnant woman, and you’ll look like a dick when she or someone else asks you to move.
11. You will make creepy eye contact with the attractive woman on your train, and she’ll internally think you are a sex pest
You know I said people watching was ok? Well it’s only ok if they don’t see you looking at them. Sadly one day you will look at a pretty girl, and she will think that you are a creepy weirdo, despite your best forced grin. No matter how smooth or cool you think you are, the train has a way of making you look like an absolute stalker on day release. Sorry to shatter any illusions.
12. You will be on a empty carriage, and someone decides to sit next to you
Empty carriages are like the Holy Grail of train travel. Finding yourself sitting alone away from all the people is like finding the lost city of Atlantis. Only one thing can stand in your way, this next guy getting on the train. With empty seats left and right, he’ll make for the only seat you don’t want him to sit in… the one next to you. Nightmare.
13. You will be desperate for a wee, but the toilet will be out of order
You left the house in a rush, so no time for a wee. But it’s ok, because as soon as you get on the train you’ll go quickly. But what’s that? Toilets are out of order. Cue a 45 minute journey with your legs crossed praying you won’t piss your pants.
14. You will waste hours of your life sitting on a train that’s not moving
Despite trains apparently being quick and easy, you’d be surprised about the amount of time you’ll spend sitting stationary while someone over a tannoy apologises for the delay. If you’re really bored, you should count the minutes you’re stationary, because nothing can make sitting in a hot tin can with a load of grumpy people interesting.
No, I’m not a disgruntled taxi driver looking for more fares, I’m just a poor person who has suffered all 14 of these indignities on a train. Even if you wake up in the morning in the best mood, one of these issues will have you begging for the relative comfort of your bed. I’d suggest getting the bus, but that’s even worse. If germ-ridden trains aren’t your thing, then check out these moments that will render any germaphobe catatonic.