The 10 Stages Of Drunkenness That Every Guy Has Experienced
Everyone loves getting drunk. That’s a given. Some of us bust out the moves, others get lost, angry or emotional and the determined just plough on through with the consumption of shots, pints, alcopops – just about anything alcoholic. Excessive drinking definitely isn’t good for you but it certainly can be funny. Although alcohol affects everyone differently, I’m sure you’ll recognise some of the following.
1. Pregame
This is the anxious preparatory stage of the evening in which you invariably realise that you’re either late or ill-prepared. While some people arrive clutching armloads of alcohol, others are happy simply to grace you with their presence. As a crowd slowly forms and the celebrations begin, someone will prematurely declare that it’s time for shots.
2. Drinking Game – The Sober Stage
When the universe began, order came from chaos. Drinking games are the complete opposite. The more you meticulously explain and adhere to the rules, the more everyone has to drink. At first though, you ballsily sip your drink out of turn and complain that the game is slowing you down. You moan that your friends are Nazis. After all, you’re a free spirit with no time for rules.
3. Drinking Game
- The Drunk Stage
Eventually you shut up and fall in line like you always do. As you slowly become more and more drunk, the game seems to get more difficult to follow. Instead of sipping your drink out of turn, you’re now praying that you don’t have to have another drop for while. By the time the game is near to finishing, no one dares look at or speak to anyone, out of fear of breaking a rule and causing a hideous chain reaction.
4. Arriving the the Club
Cloud clubclub land of slutty girls and vomiting smurfs, the high street is awash with intoxication. Did you leave too late? Everyone begins to worry that you won’t get into the club. Someone’s come out with their ID. Why isn’t it in your wallet? How is that even possible? They charm their way in and you all successfully make it to the club.
5. That Friend Who Just Can’t Dance
You get back from the toilet and discover that your friend Calum has put salt in your drink. Thanks, mate. You realise that your embarrassing friend who cannot dance has started “cutting shapes”. From a distance it looks sarcastic, but only you guys know that he’s actually trying his hardest. He looks like something between a dancing dad and a man suffering some kind of seizure.
6. Time to Make An Exit
Lacking both the energy and the sense of balance required for dancing, it’s time to leave. There’s no real reason to stay at the club. Your friend with the most responsible profession is inevitably missing, having been sick all over the dancefloor. You leave the club and stumble towards what you think is home. You push Martin over a wall because it seems like a laugh. He doesn’t seem to enjoy it much. Someone declares that they are hungry and you all head to a kebab shop.
7. “I’m Hungry”
Straining both your neck and your sense of balance, you look up at the illuminated menu and slowly make the difficult decision. You order your food and it seems to take forever. Then you remember the salt incident and pick a fight with Calum. Despite being hungry, you are at the peak of your drunkeness and ready for combat. The kebattle comences, only to be interrupted by your friend Paul complaining that you defaced his yearbook five years ago.
8. The “I love you” stage
Differences aside, you remember why these guys are your friends. You take a trip down memory lane with nostalgic outbursts and anecdotes. The alcohol suddenly gets the better of you and you continually declare “I love you” to each of your friends on a revolving basis. You’re all still declaring your love for each other as you pile into a cab. The taxi driver must think you’re all gay.
9. The Ex Files
Someone suddenly brings up their ex and all your friends pitch in with some form of advice. Everyone is suddenly a professional agony aunt, drawing on their experiences to back up their strong and unwavering opinions. Having dispensed your incredible advice, the taxi driver confirms that it is amazing and you are a true friend.
10. The Crash
You arrive back at base and everyone stumbles in. You stay up just late enough to catch some of your favourite kids’ TV show. Watching fully-grown adults prance around in brightly-coloured furry costumes, you debate whether the characters are in fact racists, treating each other differently based purely on their colour. Clutching a full can of beer, you finally fall asleep in what turns out to be a painfully unnatural position.
After the crash there’s two ways you can go…either you wake up with a sore head and a dry mouth, or you could wake up as a work of art.