10 Surefire Signs You’re Living In A S*it Part Of Town
When you move in with friends who you haven’t lived with before, it’s all too easy to get overexcited and make a bad decision. You don’t have a big budget but you’re super eager to find a place. However, when you add an estate agent into the mix, a bad decision is almost inevitable.
When I lived in a shit area, it was these trap which I fell pray to. Trusting my friend’s instinct and our new best mate and estate agent, Dan, I moved into what seemed to be a fairly liveable area. But with the town quoted on the listing of the flat actually a way up the road, we had found ourselves in a place called Penge.
Other than sounding like a hermaphrodite’s genitals, Penge was an odd place for a number of reasons. And while all shit areas have their quirks, if you can tick most of these off the list it’s a sure sign that you should think about leaving.
1. It’s dangerous to be seen outside of your house without an open container of beer
There will be a wall somewhere on which locals and the homeless sit and drink beer. Ours was outside our flat. Drinking is not only rife but mandatory. To be seen outside without a can of beer is like being seen outside without clothes on. If you don’t have a can of beer you will either be attacked or offered a can of beer.
2. Domestic disputes spill into the street
Sure there’s that abusive relationship going on next door but at least there’s wall in the way. Well, unfortunately these disputes are just as likely to go alfresco. The strangest dispute I saw was when a girl chased a man screaming “you said you loved me” before throwing up on a passer-by in front of dozens of commuters. She then then walked off casually like absolutely nothing had happened. If your area has this calibre of domestic dispute, give this one a tick.
3. Dogs are weapons
The care of animals is somewhat lax here. People regularly lose their dogs. You may be asked about a missing dog which is then made a local celebrity by means of ‘missing’ poster. More prevalent though, is the occurrence of fighting dogs for the purposes of intimidation. A Rottweiler or a Pit Bull will set off that can of beer perfectly.
4. The infrastructure needs some updating
You might think that driving is far safer here than risking it on foot, especially if you don’t have a can of beer or a Rottweiler. However, this may prove equally dangerous. While many areas have issues with potholes, the problems here are altogether more alarming. Small holes way give way to larger craters which cause missing people and road closures.
5. Litter is everywhere
The absence or presence of refuse is perhaps the most common marker of what is a nice area and what is not. In Penge, our road was a downward dogleg which we were at the bottom of. As such, all the litter from the nice area which we thought we were moving to would blow down the street and collect at our door. Litter twisters were a common occurrence but that said, anything small enough to be caught in a breeze is negligible. You’re just as likely to be faced with an old mattress or set of draws outside your door. Nonetheless, the nightly call of the empty beer can rolling around in the street is a pretty sure sign that you’re not living in Saint-Tropez.
6. Theft is commonplace
Theft is common in this neighbourhood. If you overhear two friends bump into each other then start arguing about a stolen phone, you can rest assured that this is indeed a shit area. And should you awake at night to the dull clang of metal on metal, you can safely drift back off to sleep. It’s just the clothes bank being broken into again.
7. Your house is falling apart
Your home is your safe haven from the madness outside. But it’s not immune to the dilapidation which has struck the rest of the neighbourhood. The chairs don’t hold the weight of a person, the heating doesn’t work and the oven is broken. In my flat, the bathroom was leaking water into the dry cleaners downstairs. Told by the plumber to bath rather than shower, I couldn’t help but imagine what weight of water was pressing down on those rotten floorboards. But if you do fall through though the ceiling of a dry cleaners while taking a bath, at least you’d be able to find some clothes.
8. Unnecessary agression
Maybe it’s something in the water, but people here are far more aggressive. It’s good be courteous but at the same time you must assume some level of standoffishness, if only to fit in. It’s also not a good idea to step in a be a good citizen in situations which would seem to call for it. Even when you count 25 dog turds on just one side of your road, you certainly shouldn’t intervene if you see someone letting their dog foul the pavement. Especially if they have a Mike-Tyson-style face tattoo.
9. Strange occurrences
Just as it’s those little things which brighten your day, it’s those little things which make this area so novel. Whether it’s a man carrying an animal carcass from one shop to another, someone urinating on your bin or a stranger giving you a beer, there are plenty things which happen here which would seem odd anywhere else.
10. An array of fast food options
The plethora of fast food options can be seen as a blessing or a curse. Everyone loves fast food, even if they don’t admit it. Here, you have more deep fried food than you can shake a chicken wing at. Needless to say, the nearest whole foods shops is a walk (or a run) away.
Living in a shit area can be difficult but it can also be character-building and a fun place to live until to can afford to move somewhere better. If you’ve heard anyone other than an estate agent describe your shit neighbourhood as “up-and-coming”, it may be a sign that your area is actually edgy rather than shit. Check out these 12 signs you’re on the cool side of town.